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Talking to your child about:
 | masturbation |
HTHGS: Talking to your child about masturbation
Ask Erika,
I'm a 35 year old mother with one child. She is 13. I want to
talk to her about the joys of masturbation so she wont go to having sex
with with her boyfriend but i'm not sure how to help her.
Desperate mother
Dear Desperate Mother,
Thank you for your question. You are not alone in feeling
desperate or nervous talking to your daughter about masturbation--many
parents find this to be one of the most difficult topics to broach with
their children because of its private and often sensitive nature. There
are two ways you can do this: jump right into it or ease your way
into the topic through another avenue.
First, jumping right in: If you have talked to her about
masturbation before (e.g., private vs. public behavior when she was younger),
you may want to "pick up where you left off." You could
start the conversation with a statement like, "Do you remember when I
talked to you about masturbation?" If you haven't talked to her about masturbation before, the best strategy (of course, very useful
even if you have talked before) is to find out where she stands on the subject and what she knows about it. An opening question might
be, "What do you know about masturbation?" or "What
are your opinions on masturbation?" Open-ended questions that begin with
"what," "how," "why," etc... help to keep the door open to
conversation and don't allow an easy "escape" with a "yes" or
"no" response.
Second, easing in through another avenue: I'd say in your case,
since you are also interested in talking with her about her other
sexual feelings and activities, you may want to start with a
conversation about her boyfriend. Start generally, with something like,
"so, it seems like you really like so-and-so. Tell me something about him that you really like." Move from these less sensitive areas
into how they express their affectionate feelings toward each other,
what's safe and what's not, what her (and his) limits are, how they communicate these to each other, etc. Masturbation may then
naturally follow as an "alternative" to a shared sexual
experience.
Remember, at 13, your daughter is probably just beginning to experience powerful sexual feelings and her boyfriend may be the first person for whom she has felt such things. These feelings
are very real and important to her. Taking them seriously and really listening to her point of view can help you continue the
conversation as well as get your point across. Whichever method you choose to start the conversation, be honest with her about your feelings.
If you are nervous, it's OK to tell her this from the start (i.e.,
"I have something I'd like to talk to you about and I'm a little nervous. I just want you to know that I'm trying my best,
OK?"). If you model openness and honestly, she may be more likely to do the same.
Good luck and I commend your concern and efforts to talk to your daughter about this important part of life.
Erika Pluhar
This tip was written by Erika Pluhar Ph.D.
